Today, I want to delve into a topic that I've become very passionate about, and that is the topic of people-pleasing.
For years, I found myself saying yes when I meant no, burying my opinions, and silently resenting those around me.
I used to pride myself on being the ultimate "yes" person. Whether it was agreeing to take on extra work, attending events I had no interest in, or simply going along with the crowd, I was always eager to please. But beneath the surface, there was a quiet voice begging to be heard, a voice that I often ignored in favor of keeping the peace (as an enneagram 9, keeping the peace is top priority to me!),
Not to brag, but as a chronic people-pleaser, I was skilled at silencing my own voice . I would bite my tongue rather than speak up for what I truly wanted or needed. It was easier to go with the flow than to risk rocking the boat and I took great pride in that. But with each suppressed opinion or need, I felt a little piece of myself slipping away, eventually I didn't even know what I wanted half the time.
Living life based on assumption became second nature to me. I was constantly trying to anticipate the needs and desires of those around me, often at the expense of my own well-being and once again, I took a lot of pride in that. But when others failed to reciprocate this level of thoughtfulness, I couldn't help but feel hurt and resentful.
Bottling up my feelings became very natural to me. I became disconnected from my own thoughts and emotions, burying them deep inside until they inevitably bubbled to the surface in passive-aggressive comments and behaviours. It was a toxic cycle that only served to further isolate me from those around me leaving me feeling lonely and misunderstood.
Growing up in a Christian household, the concept of selflessness was drummed into me from a young age. Sacrificing my own needs for the sake of others was seen as the ultimate act of love and service. So, naturally, I found myself always putting others first, even if it meant neglecting my own well-being in the process. Never-mind feeling depleted meant I was more irritable and short tempered.
Obviously self sacrifice is sometimes required, and that's okay! It's a part of life. But the way I was living was not healthy or okay.
In a classic people-pleasing move, what kickstarted the shift away from this toxic mindset was when my husband expressed how it hurt him when I didn't share my true feelings. Wanting to make him happy (lol), I began making an effort to speak up and express my thoughts and opinions more openly.
It was a surprise for me to discover that people-pleasing actually damages trust with those around you. They can't rely on what you say to truly reflect your feelings or intentions. Asking for help or a favour becomes stressful for them because they're unsure if you're agreeing just to please them or if you genuinely want to help. And deep down, they know that if you're not truly willing, you'll end up resenting them later. Gah, just describing that makes me feel stressed!
Practicing expressing my true thoughts and feelings hasn't been easy, and it still requires effort on my part. However, witnessing the positive impact it has had on my healthy relationships, as unhealthy people often struggle with boundaries, has been very eye-opening.
I've noticed that I'm much less stressed, more relaxed, and feel a sense of freedom I hadn't experienced before. Through this, I've gained a deeper understanding of who Jesus is and what love looks like when you don't need to earn it.
My relationship with my husband has changed so much for the better, and I feel more known and loved than ever before. It was a tough realization that you can't truly experience love and acceptance while hiding behind a facade of people-pleasing. Being authentic and vulnerable allows for genuine connection and intimacy, creating a bond that's rooted in mutual understanding and acceptance.
It's become clear to me that taking care of yourself is not selfish; it's essential. Rest is necessary, and setting boundaries is healthy. Learning to say no when needed is not only okay but also beneficial for our well-being and the health of our relationships. And, it's okay to be fully seen even though it's scary, it's worth it.
Here's to more no's, genuine yes's and truly being known.
If you resonate with this, and would like support moving away from people pleasing and towards a healthier/happier way of life feel free to book a consultation therapy session with me below.
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